THE opportunist Tory politician writing to Barack Obama asking him to choose a tartan, reminds reader Scott Borthwick of being in a Paisley dress-hire shop when a local family walked in, and the father, with a tattoo of a historic- looking character on a horse on his arm, declared: "Wur here fur a fittin' o' oor kilts."

The assistant asked which tartan they required, and the unsurprising reply was: "Rangers tartan."

Scott admired the nerve of the assistant who asked with a straight face if it was for a wedding or a first Holy Communion.

Standing room only "IS it true," asks a reader, "that Ryanair's ebullient boss Michael O'Leary, pictured, saw all the passengers standing on the wings of the plane in New York's Hudson River and said, Why didn't I think of that'?"

Cairney's all aglow AS the Burns fervour mounts with this year's 250th anniversary of his birth, we report that the most famous Burns actor, John Cairney, has written the introduction to the just- published Luath Kilmarnock Edition of Burns poetry.

Back in Scotland after living in New Zealand for 20 years, John spoke at a Glasgow Burns Supper where he was approached afterwards by two senior ladies, one of whom peered at his face and announced: "No' a bloody wrinkle."

Her pal nodded in agreement before announcing: "He's had that glowtox done."

Paper talk JOHN, who has studied the life of Burns in detail, delivered a paper on the poet to an audience at Glasgow University recently. He couldn't stop himself from beginning his talk: "The last time I delivered a paper was in 1943, when I did a paper round in Parkhead."

No bard in Baghdad INCIDENTALLY, a sad note on the world map of Burns Suppers which is being compiled on the Homecoming Scotland site. Beside the pin stuck in the map at Iraq is the message: "Cancelled due to security situation and lack of interest."

Trolley dolly WE are told about the woman in the Clydebank supermarket who put her few items on the conveyor belt and, frustrated that the check-out assistant had his back to her while chatting to a work colleague, eventually shouted: "Excuse me. Can I get checked out?"

The young chap turned round, looked her up and down, and announced: "No' bad."

Hail to the chef "My day was ruined by the BBC," said a caller to the television station.

"I settled down to watch a momentous event about a hugely charismatic black man telling us what to do, only to discover that the BBC has swapped Ready Steady Cook with Ainsley Harriot for something about American politics."

Money matters WE overhear a lady ordering a bottle of Zinfandel in the west end telling her pals that she had chucked her boyfriend after their New Year's holiday in the Caribbean.

"Walking about in his trunks," she explained, "he looked so different without his wallet."

Initial meaning A READER driving in Glasgow's Bothwell Street was behind a people carrier with a sign on the back stating "NKOTB Girls on Tour 2009." He idly worked out that perhaps it was an acronym for a bunch of shrieking girls on a hen night in the city going under the slightly racy title of "No knickers on tonight boys - girls on tour".

Shame on his fevered imagination. The more prosaic explanation is that it was the backing dancers for the reformed eighties boy band sensation New Kids on the Block appearing at the SECC.

So he can calm down now.

A bad spell PREDICTIVE text, continued. Dave Edmonston points out when you type in "Fife" on your mobile it comes out as "died".

Red light woe OUR stories of speeding remind reader David Marshall of visiting his wife in hospital in Glasgow, and going through a red light.

"I had not noticed," he says, "two yellow-jacketed fellows on white motor bikes who had noticed me, and requested that I stop. My explanation for the lack of attention was dismissed, so I resorted to humour and suggested my car registration DSN 1C reads disnae see' which might be a fair excuse for my error.

"I got two weak smiles, a fine and points applied to my licence."