Worried about the country becoming too secular? An Ayrshire reader tells us he did jury service recently, and realised that a teenage witness was not the sharpest knife in the drawer when the sheriff stood up to take the oath, held up his right arm, and asked the lad to do likewise.

He held up his left arm (he was facing the sheriff, after all) and was told to change arms. The sheriff then continued: "Repeat after me: I swear by Almighty God."

The youth replied: "I swear by whit wiz the name again?" Marked man Stravaiging Buchanan Street in Glasgow last week, a Diary reader overheard a fierce-looking wifey tell the man accompanying her: "You're a liar."

"I'm no a liar, it's true," he told her.

"You're a liar and you're bevvied," she emphatically declared.

Steven hung around just long enough to hear the exasperated woman add: "You're actually telling me you invented the question mark?" Bad call The ticket collector using someone else's name-tag as she was fed up being called Mary Doll reminds a reader of his student days, when he stacked shelves in Poundstretcher. Although his name is Simon, he was handed the name-badge "Graeme" as the manager saw no point in wasting money having a new one made. Rock in a hard place Wary of entering the controversy over where the real Stone of Destiny might be, we nevertheless pass this on from Ian Hamilton, purloiner of the Westminster one. He tells us that seven models of the stone were made for the just-released film version of how he and fellow students nicked it from underneath the coronation throne.

Says Ian: "I see Strathclyde Police claim to have the Stone that was used in the film. In view of the controversy over the proliferation of such Stones, I hope they have the right one." Splitting headache The gradual disappearance of folk using cheques makes at least one newsagent breathe a sigh of relief. This Lanarkshire vendor tells us how a customer came in every month to pay by cheque for the newspapers that were delivered to her.

On one visit, as she filled out the cheque, he noticed that her surname had changed. Trying a bit of banter, he declared: "Congratulations! Who's the lucky chap?"

"I've just got divorced," she told him. "I've gone back to my maiden name."

l "I used to file my nails," said the smart-looking woman in the cocktail bar this week. "But then I thought, Is there really any point in keeping them?'" Tough one to tackle Julia Newell took a break from running Ardbrae House, a busy B&B in Edinburgh, to take her children to the Royal Highland Show, where they stood in awe admiring a prize-winning bull which was magnificent in every department.

Her seven-year-old son announced he definitely knew it was a bull, adding: "Do you know how I know it's a bull, mum?"

Fearing a discussion about its eye-catching appendage, mum braced herself for the worst, but the young lad went on: "Because he's got a ring in his nose." Alpining for home Teaching foreigners Scottish phrases reminds Rena Robinson of when she took a party of schoolchildren to Switzerland. Near the end of the holiday, staff strolling through the village were greeted by a beautiful, pigtailed teenager cycling past, who bowed over the handlebars and very politely said: "How's yer heid?" Get the message A chap in Clinton Cards was taking so long that the assistant went over to see if she could help.

"Is there a problem?" she asked him.

"Aye, hen," he replied. "I cannae find one the wife would believe." An unusual match By accident or design, the folk at Stirling University's MacRobert Arts Centre are showing the war film The Longest Day at the same time as Germany is playing in the final of Euro 2008. So you have the choice of watching the football, with the chance of Germany winning, or going to the MacRobert, where you know they will definitely lose.