ALL decent, God-fearing, upstanding people everywhere will be rejoicing in the streets at the news that K*** and the Gang are packing it in.

After 13 years and some 1,500 gigs pedalling disgusting, disgraceful, puerile filth that makes Derek and Clive sound like Mary Poppins, the bard of Basildon is throwing in the towel with a massive farewell tour which kicks off by offending the punters in the Old Ship in Dorchester tomorrow night, Saturday, July 23.

As K*** himself explains to me in a world exclusive interview (He’s never spoken directly to the media before, preferring to communicate via email): “To be honest, I’ve run out of places to play and people are becoming less disgruntled by me.

“It just seems the right time to stop. So many are in on the joke now, it’s like preaching to the converted,” he says.

He’s been packing out pubs across the country since 2003 with his songs, which are not so much near the knuckle but slicing right through it with titles completely unsuitable for a family newspaper, and has been hailed by Charlie Brooker in The Guardian, no less, as “life-affirmingly puerile”.

“The good gigs tend to blur into one, but I’ll always remember the bad ones,” he adds.

“Particularly the fist fight on stage at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival with a drunken punk rocker who objected to my Margaret Thatcher song.

“As the bouncers hauled him away, he screamed to me: ‘I’ve got three words for you, mate: ‘Tory scum!’”

So K***, who is an online sensation with tens of thousands of followers on YouTube and a firm favourite at comedy and music festivals across the world, is retiring, but what will he do now?

“After years of being on the road, I’ve sort of romanticised the idea of being a painter and decorator, so I’ll give that a go.

“And I’ll have time to develop my idea of a sitcom based on Sunday league football,” he tells me.

A sad loss to the world of show business. He will be sorely missed.

Moving on, and the sun is out, the sky is blue, there’s not a cloud to spoil the view.

So with apologies to Buddy Holly, what better than another jam-packed weekend of live music to enjoy as well.

There’s another Tea on the Quay at the Rendezvous in Weymouth this Sunday, July 24. Once again, there’s a top line-up of quality bands that reads not so much as a Who’s Who of local talent, but more of a Who’s Sober?

It all starts at high noon with Hustle, followed by Southern Sinners, Lo Numbers, Stereoironics, Mama Feelgood, Shooter, Speedway Snails, Leggomen and finishing off from 8.30pm, Operation Mad Hatters.

That’s the second gig of the weekend for the Mad Hatters, because they’ll be rounding things up in their inimitable ska and reggae stylee at a family fun day on Saturday, July 23, hosted by Weymouth and Portland Rugby Club.

It’s a fundraiser for Dorset County Hospital’s Purbeck Ward dementia day room and also performing are Morgan Lily, Blazing’ Strings and Flashback Huzzah with the whole shebang is hosted by Air FM.

It’s just £2.50 for adults and kids under 12 are free.

And this weekend, it’s the return of Wykefest beer and cider extravaganza at the Wyke Smugglers pub, conveniently situated in Wyke Regis, Weymouth.

Starting tonight, Friday, July 22, with the debut gig by Tequila Mockingbird, the shenanigans continue on Saturday, July 23, with the top-notch Peacock Suit and throughout Sunday, July 24, with performances from Matt & Pete and Swingin’ Dave Taylor, and it’s all in aid of Julia’s House children’s hospice.

So not only can you enjoy some lovely beer and cider and some quality sounds, you can also get that warm fuzzy feeling that comes not just with incontinence but also with the knowledge that you’re raising money for a very worthwhile cause.

And if someone could tell me how we can afford £31bn to update a weapon system we’ll never use but still have to stage events to look after our oldsters and our youngsters, that’d be nice.

Okay, I’ll just get off my soapbox now.

Till next time…

GIG GUIDE

TONIGHT (22)

Griever, As Flames Rise, Icon, Bloodsworn, Refuge of the Fallen (Finns, Weymouth)

Phil Walker’s Guitar Heroes (Weymouth Pavilion)

Zoe Schwarz Blue Commotion (Royal Portland Arms, Portland)

Morgan Lily (Park, Weymouth)

Stereoironics (Boat That Rocks, Portland Marina)

Mike Walker (Weymouth Working Mens Club)

Milk and Two (Royal Oak, Weymouth)

The Dolmen (Belvedere, Weymouth)

Average Wyke Band (Black Dog, Weymouth)

Billy Solo (Wellington, Weymouth)

Total Madness (Bull’s Head, Fordington, Dorchester)

Beat Safari (George, Dorchester)

Tequila Mockingbird (Wyke Smugglers, Weymouth)

Dave Griff and the Trouser Band (Gloucester, Weymouth)

Nina Garcia (Spice Ship, Weymouth)

Tripod (Golden Lion, Weymouth)

SATURDAY (23)

Surfin’ Birds (Finns, Weymouth)

Mama Feelgood (Sailors Return, Weymouth)

The Dinnerladies (Market House, Weymouth)

K*** and the Gang (Old Ship, Dorchester)

Morgan Lily, Blazin’ Strings, Flashback Huzzah, Operation Mad Hatters (Weymouth Rugby Club) 11am-5pm.

The Katz (Weymouth Working Mens Club, Weymouth)

Lauren Bannon (Royal Oak, Weymouth)

Lauren Housley (Boat That Rocks, Portland Marina)

Sheryl Lee (Park, Weymouth)

Peacock Suit (Wyke Smugglers, Weymouth)

The Persuaders (Wyke Regis Working Mens Club, Weymouth)

Replay (Lions street busk, Weymouth town centre)

Elvis 56 (Edinburgh House of Sounds, Weymouth)

Blazin’ Strings (Rumshack, Weymouth)

Hugh Budden and the Blue Chords (George, Dorchester)

Barry Hobson (Conservative Club, Weymouth)

Johnny Mac (Black Dog, Weymouth)

The Silhouettes (Centenary Club, Weymouth) Beep Beep Yeah (Gloucester, Weymouth) Beatles tribute.

Ocean Drive (Wyke Regis Social Club, Weymouth)

Freak Circus (Ropemakers, Bridport)

SUNDAY (24)

Hustle, Southern Sinners, Lo Numbers, Stereoironics, Mama Feelgood, Shooter, Speedway Snails, Leggomen, Mad Hatters (Tea on the Quay, Town Bridge, Weymouth) From midday.

Replay (Red Lion, Hope Sq, Weymouth) 2pm.

Ricky Solo (Sailor’s Return, Weymouth) From 3pm.

Sheryl Lee’s Sunday Club (Edinburgh House of Sounds, Weymouth) 4pm.

Nina Garcia (New Vic, Weymouth)

Gut and Steel (Crown Inn, Bridport) 4pm.

Farrago (Globe, Weymouth) 4.30pm.

Dave Bowen Quintet (Trooper, Stourton Caundle) Jazz from 1-3pm.

Matt and Pete, Swingin’ Dave Taylor (Wyke Smugglers, Weymouth) From 2pm.

Roger’s Open Mic (Gloucester, Weymouth)

Tripod (Three Compasses, Charminster)

MONDAY (25)

Blazing Strings (New Vic, Weymouth)

Acoustic session (Belvedere, Weymouth)

Georgie Broad (Edinburgh House of Sounds, Weymouth)

TUESDAY (26)

Open Mic (Park, Weymouth)

Lauren Bannon (Boot, Weymouth)

Side Door Project (New Vic, Weymouth)

Singalong with Nigel (Edinburgh House of Sounds, Weymouth)

WEDNESDAY (27)

Gut and Steel (George, Chideock)

Georgie Broad (Edinburgh House of Sounds, Weymouth)

Wessex Folk Night (Sailors Return, Weymouth)

Open Mic Night (Royal Exchange, Portland)

THURSDAY (28)

Cherry Lee Mewis (Boat That Rocks, Portland Marina)

Bob Fox (Sunray Folk Club, village hall, Broadmayne)

Leggomen (George, Weymouth)

Ricky Solo (Edinburgh House of Sounds, Weymouth)

Open Mic (George, Dorchester)

Open Mic (Bull, Fordington, Dorchester)

Open Mic (Drift Bar, Weymouth)

JD Acoustic (New Vic, Weymouth)

Traditional Tune Session (Cove House Inn, Portland)

Ukulele Sessions (Sailors Return, Weymouth)

SoapBox Night (Belvedere, Weymouth)

FRIDAY (29)

Captain’s Beard (Finns, Weymouth)

Phil Hammond (Royal Portland Arms, Portland)

The Katz (The Lugger, Chcickerell, Weymouth)

Brian Harris (Weymouth Working Mens Club)

Blazing Strings (Royal Oak, Weymouth)

JD Acoustic (Park, Weymouth)

Ricky Solo (Edinburgh House of Sounds, Weymouth)

Skinful (George, Dorchester)

Billy Solo (Wellington, Weymouth)