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I am grateful to the people of this fine port of Weymouth for the positive reaction my plan for the Pavilion site has produced.

I can already see in my mind's eye - as must many readers - the 300-foot statue of Kylie Minogue rising above the harbour, an inspiration to the people of our Olympic town in these uncertain days.

Now for the relief road.

The problem with the Weymouth Relief Road is this: It is called The Weymouth Relief Road, a name that hardly brings inspiration to the hard-working Weymouth proletariat.

Change the name, I say, and you change the thing. This new road will be the first thing that visitors will see as they enter the borough, so it is essential to make this initial impression count. The name has to reflect our town, our hopes, dreams and aspirations.

So, ask yourselves - what is Weymouth famous for?

Black Death Boulevard.

Mad King George Link.

That Elton John Impersonator Off The Telly Avenue.

However, I'm tempted to celebrate our town's newest landmark: Kylie Minogue Expressway The nature reserve and park and ride schemes at the top of the Ridgeway would be replaced with a 300-foot floodlit statue of Kylie's one-time beau Jason Donovan standing sentinel over the town, beckoning to the Antipodean songbird as she poses gracefully on the harbour-side, a reminder to all that we can't watch Neighbours since it switched over to Five.

Or, having once seen orange-skinned TV celebrity David The Duke' Dickinson in Weymouth, perhaps the Orange Route' will do after all. We can make it cheap as chips'!

There's no point hanging around waiting for this never-ending, namby-pamby inquiry process to be over and done with.

You - the brave proletariat of this fine town - should rise up with me as your leader, grab your shovels and wheelbarrows and set to work on the road's construction immediately.

There'll be neither pay nor time off, but I shall spare the floggings. It is for the greater good. Trust me.

Mr Kim' Secret Bunker Castletown

6:15pm Wednesday 19th March 2008

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