CAROLINE Buchanan is our Agony Aunt at the Dorset Echo. She’ll be helping readers with their problems on a weekly basis.

Dear Caroline,

I have been separated from my husband of 18 years for 18 months now.

I left him and took our three children with me. He was my first serious boyfriend and I realise now that he never really wanted to marry me.

He has always done his own thing, whether it’s going out or having flings with other women. We are so very different.

He is outgoing, sociable and confident, while I am shy, boring and have very low self-esteem. I was desperate for his love but never had it.

When I found the strength to leave the marriage, he lost no time in finding a replacement. It was as though I never existed.

I feel better now but I’m very scared about the future because I believe no one will ever love me and want to spend time with me. How can I start living properly? I want to grow as a person and believe and trust in myself more.

Kathy, by email

Kathy you’ve done a great deal of growing already, by finding the strength to leave that unloving and undermining man.

Give yourself credit for that and for all the lovely qualities you so patently have such as love, loyalty, warmth, insight, tolerance, understanding - need I go on? He’s the loser in this and the sooner you realise that, and start to go out and enjoy being alive, the sooner you’ll meet and make wonderful new friendships.

Once your ex’s brainwashing wears off, your self-esteem will grow. You’re certainly not boring, far from it. It’s time now to truly start loving, valuing and respecting yourself.

You deserve it, you really do! What’s more, it will be a very good thing for your children to witness and experience the new, confident you.

Dear Caroline,

I’m beside myself with worry. Three months ago, a new girl started working with my husband and she’s very attractive.

That’s bad enough but for the last month now I fear he’s having erotic dreams about her. A lot of grunting is going on in his sleep and often he has an erection in the night.

I’ve asked him if he’s got the hots for her but he denies it. He says she’s an attractive girl, yes, but he’s not interested in her ‘that way’. We’ve started having arguments about it because I’m feeling neurotic and, what’s more, insecure.

Isabelle, by email

I understand your worries, Isabelle, but real security comes from within, and, as an adult, it shouldn’t, ideally, be based on another person. We need to learn we will be okay with or without that person!

Men are always going to find other women attractive, just as women will fancy other men. But that doesn’t mean you want to, or have to, act on it.

As for your husband’s night-time activities do be aware that men have erections several times in the night. He could be dreaming about doing battle with King Kong for all you know! I really understand your concern but you’re going to have to talk to him about it in a calm and measured way rather than arguing.

Jealousy is a horrible thing to suffer with so, instead of going on the attack, tell your husband how you feel and ask for his help in working this through with you.

CAROLINE Buchanan is a journalist, author, agony aunt and Relate- trained counsellor who lives in Dorset and West London. Her latest book is The 15-Minute Rule for Forgiveness. Her previous book, The 15-Minute Rule - How to Stop Procrastinating and Take Control of Your Life, is a bestseller.

Her TEDx talk on the subject has just been picked for TEDx Shorts – meaning she is classified as one of the greatest TEDx world speakers! If you would like Caroline’s advice, send your problem to joanna.davis@dorsetecho. co.uk and it will be passed on.