Goodbye Nicole, hello Papa

Hence those not-so-subtle television advertisements that have been telling us that Renault is now a proper, grown-up car company. A bit staid, a bit dull, a bit German you might say. "Remember when you said you'd never buy a Renault?" Eh, no, we don't actually, but we do seem to recall that Renault used to be a bit wacky, a bit different and more than a little bit French.

Not any more, though. Renault's attempt to foster false-memory syndrome among the car-buying public is just part of a strategy aimed at reinforcing the impression that they are now the car company for Papa, not Nicole. Thierry Henry can stop trying to explain what va-va-voom really means, because Renault don't want to know these days. Or they'd rather hear it in a German accent because they want to find out what profits are instead.

All of which goes a long way towards explaining the peculiarities, or rather the lack of them, to be found in the new Renault Megane. For instance, over the past few years we've become accustomed to the Megane's ra-ra skirt rear end, a coquettish twist that gave it a stance disturbingly close to a badger on heat, but the rounded rump of the latest hatchback model would not look out of place on Ann Widdecombe.

Our test car was the 1.6 Dynamique version. You suspect that the Renault executives went through agonies deciding whether their new market positioning tactics would allow them to retain the "Dynamique" name for their mid-trim models, what with all its racy connotations. For all we know, they considered "Noreen" among possible alternatives, if only because that happens to be Ann Widdecombe's middle name.

The most obvious problem is that the French have never seemed to grasp what getting older is all about. Their sports stars carry petulance into their dotages, while their presidents consider the assumption of high office to be the cue for some lascivious excursions beyond what Anglo-Saxons would consider respectable age differences. On the streets of Paris, pinch-featured nonagenarians still teeter about on their heels long past the point when one slip would put them in the Pere Lachaise cemetery.

That confusion is still evident in aspects of the new Megane, but it has to be said that Renault have actually pulled off a clever trick in eradicating their more outlandish excesses while still retaining a core of identifiable character about the thing. They have kept their distinctive/infamous credit-card key, presumably on the basis that Megane owners like nothing better than swapping stories about the weird things it does, but the rest of it is all rather normal and reassuringly solid. Whisper it, but Volkswagen would probably have been happy to make it themselves.

They would certainly have been satisfied with the handling of a car that tracks beautifully round the bendy bits and with the sophisticated ABS system that coped admirably with the interesting conditions that last weekend's sub-zero temperatures created on Scotland's roads. Below 3000 rpm, the 1.6 engine was wheezing a bit, but the six-speed gearbox helped it find its voice at higher revs and the chassis is well capable of handling the more powerful motors in the range.

Internally, more senior drivers will be satisfied with headroom that accommodates that driving-with-a-hat-on thing they do, and any number of cubby-holes where things can be mislaid. Then again, you have to wonder about the purpose of the large-print digital speedometer which, in automotive evolutionary terms, is just one stop short of providing the information in braille. The windscreen washers could have used a little more power as they struggled to reach to top of the steeply-raked screen - but hey, these things happen when you get old.

All in all, the Megane is a good all-rounder, well capable of holding its own in the sort of Astra/Golf/Focus company it keeps. In trying times, Renault need it do well. It certainly deserves to succeed.

BACK-PAGE DRIVER The motoring world this week HEADS-FREE HANDSETS Some of us just won't take a telling. According to a survey carried out by What Car, 36% of motorists still admit to using hand-held mobile phones while driving.

In spite of tougher penalties being introduced in 2007, which include the threat of jail if a driver is prosecuted for dangerous driving, there has been no drop in the number admitting to using a hand-held mobile over the past year. The same survey last year also showed 36% admitted to using their phone while driving. A drop of only 6% has been recorded since 2005.

Intriguingly, while 64% of drivers claim they never break the law, 93% say they've seen someone else using a mobile phone at the wheel in the past seven days.

KIDS GO WHEEE Mercedes have announced that around 20,000 children have now had their first driving experience at Mercedes-Benz World at Brooklands. The Kids' Driving Experiences promote safer driving for young motorists, who must be at least 4ft11in tall to take part, with a range of activities designed to develop skills and road safety.

With lessons priced at £40 for 30 minutes, a fully qualified instructor takes the youngster out in a dual-controlled Mercedes, where they are taught how to drive the car in a safe and controlled environment. Perish the thought that as a result the wee blighters might end up thinking they'll be getting SLKs for their 17th birthdays as well.

HIGH ROLLERS It's obviously not so tough at the top in these credit-crunch times. While new sales across most sectors have been taking a bit of a battering, and second'hand values have been dropping like curling stones from a skyscraper roof, Rolls-Royce has boldly defied the gloomy trend by reporting a healthy 20% sales increase over 2008.

Sales of the top people's chariots of choice were strong across the Phantom range, with the saloon and extended wheelbase model accounting for more than half of all purchases.

North America remained the biggest single market, although northern Europe and the Middle East were also pretty strong. It's nice to know that some people are well wrapped up as the financial winds get chillier.