Facing Christmas without a loved one? Bereavement charity Mosaic has this advice about dealing with 'the elephant in the room'

“WE talk about everything else, but the elephant in the room.”

This line, from a poem by Terry Kettering, has a special place in the hearts of staff and volunteers at Mosaic.

It’s the way training and development co-ordinator Tracy Mack-Nava ends her sessions for childcare professionals.

“As a society we don’t talk about death,” she says. “Even as adults we use euphemisms, anything from someone has ‘passed away’ or ‘gone to live with the angels’ to saying they’ve ‘popped their clogs’.

“But it’s very important that children, especially younger children, have that understanding. If they don’t have all the factors they often try to resolve the story in their heads, and that can be more scary than the truth. They may end up blaming themselves – daddy was mad at me for not doing my homework, then he had a heart attack and now he’s gone, so it must be my fault.”

As well as training for professionals, Mosaic offers group and one-on-one support for children, and residential weekends at their property Leeson House, near Swanage.

Here, children can take part in team-building activities, such as archery and an obstacle course, as well as workshops on managing anger and other feelings. There is also a candle ceremony where children can remember their loved one.

Parents and carers are invited to take part in optional activities away from the children.

Tracy said: “At the end of the two days the adults and children come together and talk about the activities they all did and the feelings they shared, and that is hugely worthwhile.

“For the children as well there is comfort in being around others who have gone through something similar. Our volunteers often take a back step as the children ask questions and support each other.”

Some of the youngsters decide to stay involved with the charity, as child ambassadors, helping others and raising money for Mosaic’s services. Local authority funding covers 30 per cent of the costs, while the rest is raised from grants such as the Big Lottery and Children in Need, donations from Lions and Rotary clubs and from dedicated fundraisers and volunteers.

The support offered to children is tailored depending issues such as the age of the child and how long ago the bereavement was but Tracy is firm on one point: grief is not about going through ‘five stages’ but an upward spiral, where there can be good days and bad days throughout the process.

“The majority of children live in families where they can work through their grief, but we help if the death was traumatic – perhaps suicide or a road traffic accident – or if the families were a little chaotic or fragmented to begin with.

“Teachers and parents might assume that because a child is quiet, that they are not crying or showing their grief, that they’re ok, but they might just be putting on a brave face. Adults often don’t like to talk to children about how they’re feeling because they don’t want to upset them – but you’ve got to remember that the worst has already happened. It’s about them feeling valued and listened to.

“When children are going through grief they often do something called ‘puddle jumping’ which is where they can only deal with the pain of grief for short periods, so they jump quite often from something sad to something happy.”

Tracy added: “It might not be a recent bereavement that we are helping children to deal with. Sometimes if a loss happens when the child is very young, they are given sufficient information to deal with it at that time, but as they grow and develop they often have more questions. Sometimes they can start acting out if things are difficult for them to process.”

One thing is for certain: there are certain times of year when grief is more difficult – birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas.

Tracy offers this advice to families facing festivities without someone they love.

“It’s difficult for us to talk about death, I think, because we are all scared of our own mortality. But it’s ok to feel however you are feeling. Talk to each other and remember, there is no pressure to act a certain way.”

Could you help the charity?

MOSAIC’S volunteers are ‘so important’, Tracy says.

The charity is always looking for fundraisers and volunteers to help raise cash to support their vital services.

To find out more about how to get involved, or for more information on the charity’s services, visit www.mosaicfamilysupport.org.uk, email info@mosaicfamilysupport.org or call 01258 837071

Advice on hand

IS this your first Christmas without a loved one? 

The charity has the following advice:
• Maintain family traditions, as children gain comfort from routine, and involve the children in deciding how best to celebrate
• Make a memory bauble to hang on the tree, light a special candle or make a toast to the loved one at Christmas dinner
• Let your children know whatever they are feeling is normal. Being excited to unwrap presents doesn’t mean they miss their loved one any less
• Don’t hide your own feelings from your child. This will only teach them to deny their own feelings
• Explain that you might not be in the best physical or emotional state yourself, but it’s not because of anything the child did
• Talk about “the elephant in the room”
• Remember there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no set timetable for your, or your child’s feelings