SO, did you enjoy the FA Cup final then? Nah, me neither. In fact, I didn't even watch it.

Why not? Well, it was sunny, for a start, a good day to be out and about.

Plus there's too much punditry and not enough of the really entertaining stuff, like Cup Final It's A Knock-out, with supporters of the two teams tripping over giant clown shoes and being drenched in industrial-strength custard, egged on by Tarby, Brucie and a bevy of page three stunnas in tight-fitting shorts giving off more electricity than your average power station.

Cup Final Question of Sport was always a bit of a novelty too, but now an inferior version appears every week with Ally, Sue and Frankie (on inflatable cushion) chortling hysterically at unfunny in-jokes to the total detriment of any semblance of competition or entertainment.

Also this was probably the first final where the vast majority of non-affiliated fans didn't want either side to win. Nil-nil after penalties would have been the perfect result. Predictably, though, it would seem only one team wanted to score, while the other lot set out to avoid a pasting, and all the David and Goliath guff never got an airing.

It's the cricket season, for goodness sake, yet there's wall-to-wall football on the telly, and that's even before Euro 2004 has kicked off.

I'm sick of seeing beer-gutted tattooed blokes blubbing because their poxy team's lost. I'm sick of managers "under pressure" (please, give me the pressure of a million-pound "golden goodbye" any day) - for example, runner-up Ranieri hounded out by the men in suits, fourth-placed Houllier shafted by ex-players-turned-media analysts and fickle phone-in "fans". Look, not everyone can come first.

And there's Leeds' Alan Smith, ostentatiously kissing the badge, being chaired off the pitch by the people who pay his wages... then angling for a move to the last place his adoring fans would want to see him go. If he really loves his local club so much, why doesn't he stick around to help put things right, instead of pretending that he's doing them a favour by taking his huge wage demands elsewhere?

With avaricious TV companies diluting an increasingly over-hyped product ("never mind the quality, we've got live games every night!") and fans sucked further into the tribal/victim mentality (listen, it's not compulsory to wear a replica shirt - if it costs too much, then don't buy the ruddy thing), this is one golden egg-laying goose that's flying far too close to the sun.

Now then, St George flag anyone?

First published: May 25