I'M not the suspicious sort - maybe I lack the imagination required to suspect the worst in people, perhaps it's just that I tend to hope for the best in people until circumstances indicate otherwise.

Nevertheless, I have to report that my wife has scored no less than five out of eight in a list of danger signs. Danger signs that could indicate she's having an affair, that is.

In the wake of the Beckham business, the Echo helpfully carried a full-page feature explaining how to tell if your partner is cheating. I don't normally read this sort of stuff but a picture of Alana Stewart (Rod's ex) with a particularly revealing low-cut dress sort of drew my attention to the page, and the quote underneath from Zsa Zsa Gabor kept it there.

The nine-times-married Zsa Zsa was once asked how many husbands she'd had - "You mean, apart from my own?" she retorted.

But those danger signs, indicating marital infidelity, were a bit of a worry.

I'm OK with number one - your partner is working a lot of overtime. I've been trying for years to get my wife back to work so that I could become a kept man, but she has resisted the idea... apart from a tentative enquiry about a part-time job at the local optician's which was shelved when she unfortunately slipped a disc.

"Excessive use of the internet" was number two in the list. Yes, my wife disappears upstairs to go on the computer for long spells, but tells me she is looking for French camping sites or books that Richard and Judy say are a good read.

I understand that every operation on a computer leaves some sort of track, but I'm not clever enough to play electronic sleuth.

At number three is inexplicable mileage on the car. She tells me she's been out doing the week's food shopping, but how am I to know?

"Hiding the phone bill" is clue number four. She has been doing this for years, on the basis, she claims, that I only get cross when I find out how long she has been on the damned thing. To be fair, though, the Direct Debit payments for the phone have just been reduced, so things are looking up.

Danger sign number five is "receiving random phone calls where the caller hangs up immediately". It happens all the time. I go along with the theory that we're being pestered by that particularly irritating cold-call technique whereby, if I understand it correctly, a computer automatically makes a host of phone calls in the hope of striking lucky with some of them.

Sometimes, there's a long silence before a tape-recorded message cuts in, trying to sell us something.

At number six, we have "diminished interest in sex". What can I say? She likes to read in bed and I'm usually so worn out from a hard day's gardening that I'm out like a light. But it's my birthday next month, so I'd better not upset her.

More sex at danger sign number seven, which is "new sexual techniques". No problems there, because so far, my wife has resisted the urge to dress up in a French maid's outfit or smear herself with body chocolate, but I live in hope.

And completing the list, at number eight, is the partner who says "I need my space". She's not guilty there (except when it comes to encroaching on my half of the bed) and I'm far more likely to be the one who takes off for some solitude. But that doesn't mean I've got a cheating heart... I'm likely to be found at the bottom of the garden playing around with my compost heap.

Perhaps she's got every reason to go off in search of a man who would bring a little more joy into her life.