SOOOO, doing much tonight?

Looking out for Mary’s soggy bottom, or maybe watching Paul finger his dough balls?

Or perhaps enjoy seeing Mel get her jugs out or hear Sue describe those biscuits as like munching on carpet?

No? So maybe you’re going to Finn’s in Weymouth tonight, Friday, September 2 to have your eardrums blown apart, your spleen rearranged and your bowels sonically voided with a crunching evening of death metal.

Topping the bill are Bristol outfit Necrosis who list such bands as Cattle Decapitation, Dying Foetus and Basement Torture Killings as their main influences, so they seem like a nice bunch of chaps you could take home to meet your nan.

Also on stage tonight are fellow Bristolians Body Harvest who got their mojo from such chart-botherers as Bloodbath and Cannibal Corpse, Reading’s crusty grinders Negative Thought Process, Mordrake, who also hail form the Middle Earth that is Bristol and math metallers aAnd? from Bournemouth, who list their interests as “drinking beer, having a good time and girls.” Disgusting!

Honestly, where do they such depraved ideas from?

Kids today, eh?

Anyways, it’s going to be a bit of a sweatbox there tonight, doors open at 7pm and it’s a mere £3 admission, so get there early.

Moving on, and by way of complete contrast, fancy an evening of cool jazz? Mmm, nice…jazzzzzzzzzzz.

You betcha, beat me daddyo, eight to the bar.

My furious study of jazz magazines was a key part of my formative years so it’s quite a thrill to welcome American tenor sax ace Frank Griffith and his all-star sextet to the Corn Exchange in Dorchester next Friday, September 9, where they will be paying homage to the legendary Miles Davis.

His Kind of Blue is widely regarded as the greatest jazz record ever made, and certainly the best selling, and Frank and his band will be playing the album in its entirety.

And if that’s not enough to tempt you, jazz writer, academic and all-round Miles Davis nut Paul Lashmar will be narrating the story of the man behind the music.

And when it comes to pedigree, chum, you’ll have to go some to beat this band.

Frank himself has played with Miles’ bassist Ron Carter, trumpeter Jay Phelps has gigs with Courtney Pine, Wynton Marsalis and George Benson on his CV, and saxman Tony Kofi, who takes the role of Cannonball Adderley in the show, has been with the World Sax Quartet for the past decade.

Also on board are top UK jazzers Gareth Williams on piano and bassist Jeremy Brown, while US drummer Rod Youngs has worked with Gill Scott Heron.

That, I think, spells kwalitee. Sadly, I can’t...

Tickets are £14 from the box office on 01305 266926.

Tell next time…

GIG GUIDE

TONIGHT (2)

Hank Wangford and the Lost Cowboys (Electric Palace, Bridport)

The Shakespearos (Royal Portland Arms, Portland)

Necrosis, Body Harvest, Negative Thought Process, Mordrake, aAnd? (Finns, Weymouth)

Billy Solo (Wellington, Weymouth)

State of Undress (George, Dorchester)

The Katz (Lugger, Chickerell, Weymouth)

Sheryl Lee (Edinburgh House of Sounds, Weymouth)

The Mighty Fine (Gloucester, Weymouth)

Average Wyke Band (Black Dog, Weymouth)

Acoustic Session (Victoria Inn, Chickerell, Weymouth)

Retro (Weymouth Working Mens Club)

Wilson (Pilot Boat Inn, Lyme Regis)

Davy Malone and the Longtails (Ropemakers, Bridport)

SATURDAY (3)

Hucklebuck (DA Blues, Corn Exchange, Dorchester)

Shooter (Sailors Return, Weymouth)

Blind Harvest (Golden Lion, Weymouth)

Leggomen (Boat That Rocks, Portland Marina)

Olly Coe (Boot, Weymouth) 2pm.

Drunk Education (Finns, Weymouth)

The Katz (Royal Oak, Charmouth)

Silhouettes (Wyke Working Mens Club, Weymouth)

Andy Grant Trio (Tom Browns, Dorchester)

Georgie Broad (Black Dog, Weymouth)

Neil Wale (Conservative Club, Weymouth)

Dakota (Gloucester, Weymouth)

Darren H (Weymouth Working Mens Club)

Johnny King as Elvis (Edinburgh House of Sounds, Weymouth)

BJ McCabe (Bridge, Preston Weymouth)

Milk and Two (Market House, Weymouth)

Bad Edukation (Bull, Fordington, Dorchester)

Hustle (George, Portland)

Jack Scrumpy and the Moonshiners (Ropemakers, Bridport)

SUNDAY (4)

Ricky Solo (Sailor’s Return, Weymouth) From 3pm.

Sheryl Lee’s Sunday Club (Edinburgh House of Sounds, Weymouth) 7pm.

Nina Garcia (New Vic, Weymouth) Farrago (Globe, Weymouth) 4.30pm.

Gut and Steel (Old Ship, Upwey, Weymouth) 2.30pm.

Johnny Mac (Black Dog, Weymouth) 3-7pm.

Roger’s Open Mic (Gloucester, Weymouth)

James Clem, Big Al Whittle (Belvedere, Weymouth) 8pm.

Replay (Red Lion, Weymouth) 2pm.

MONDAY (5)

Blazing Strings (New Vic, Weymouth)

Acoustic session (Belvedere, Weymouth)

TUESDAY (6)

Side Door Project (New Vic, Weymouth)

Ricky Solo (Edinburgh House of Sounds, Weymouth)

Gut and Steel (Boot, Weymouth)

WEDNESDAY (7)

Dave Bowen and Jazz Friends (Three Compasses, Charminster)

Jam Night (Belvedere, Weymouth)

Wessex Folk Night (Sailors Return, Weymouth)

Open Mic Night (Royal Exchange, Portland)

Stacie Lou (New Vic, Weymouth)

Open Mic (Bull, Fordington, Dorchester)

THURSDAY (8)

Leggomen (George, Weymouth)

Ricky Solo (Edinburgh House of Sounds, Weymouth)

Open Mic (George, Dorchester)

Open Mic (Drift Bar, Hope Sq, Weymouth)

JD Acoustic (New Vic, Weymouth)

Traditional Tune Session (Cove House Inn, ChiswelI, Portland)

Ukulele Sessions (Sailors Return, Weymouth) Strum on down from 8pm.

SoapBox Night (Belvedere, Weymouth) Music, poetry, comedy, whatever Hosted by DuKane.

FRIDAY (9)

Frank Griffith Sextet revisit Kind of Blue (Corn Exchange, Dorchester)

Junco Shakers (Royal Portland Arms, Portland)

Coyote (Finns, Weymouth)

Beat Safari (George, Dorchester)

Billy Solo (Wellington, Weymouth)

Suzy Mac (Weymouth Working Mens Club)

Darren H (EdinburghHouse of Sounds, Weymouth)

Tequila Mockingbird (Wyke Smugglers, Weymouth)

Charlie (Park, Weymouth)